Tag Archives: depression

Have you ever had one of those days?

Greetings, readers. I have had many of those days, and today was one of them. It started with my alarm not going off, which threw my entire morning schedule haywire. People knocking at my door, an unusual amount of crank phone calls, and me not feeling energetic. The only event that came off as planned was my appointment. Thank goodness I didn’t miss that.

I have had days where everything runs like clockwork. My alarm goes off exactly on time, I take my meds right on the second, Rebecca comes and we get a lot of work done, etc. As I said in yesterday’s blog entry, I hope to not have any need to call Rebecca off for at least the next several Thursdays. Besides, we still have some book promoting to do. 😊

Even though it was a blustery day today, I was thankful for the sunny weather. It made the highs in the low 40s F bearable. As we all know, sunshine helps people who are depressed. I am still working on battling my depression, but it’s an ongoing process. Some days I’m all smiles and laughs, and then there are days like today.

I’m going to make an appointment with my primary doctor and ask him to give me a head-to-toe check-up. I’m expecting him to say that I’m either slightly under nourished, or I’m suffering from some vitamin deficiency. I swear, all I ever want to do is sleep these days. That’s not normal. Maybe I need more potassium or iron.

Rebecca will edit this short blog entry quite soon and post it up to the page. We’ll be back next Wednesday with brand-new material. Until then, have a great weekend, take care, and as always, happy reading.

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I am set to enjoy a productive and restful summer

Greetings, readers. Some of you might be thinking that my title sounds like a contradiction, but that actually is what I am planning to do. I have several changes in my daily routine already in place, including meditation three times a week. It is very cleansing. I’m also going to leave time in my daily schedule to write, write, write. Rebecca and I have been talking about that magic formula for me and we may have found it. Short stories in 15 to 30 minute play or script form which then can be turned into prose. I’ve only been good in long projects twice in my life, so perhaps that 500 page doorstop novel is just not in the cards for me. I don’t think I have the patience for it.

So what is in the cards for this summer? I have many things on tap. Task #1 is a complete overhaul of this apartment. By September 1st I want to turn the living room into the bedroom and visa versa. I also want to completely rid this place of clutter.

Task #2 is to improve my health through meditation and yoga. I’ve never done yoga before and to be honest I’m not exactly sure what all it entails, but if it can improve my health I will at least check it out. My diet is going to get an overhaul as well. With spring time here, fresh fruits and vegetables are in the grocery stores. Two of my favorite summertime treats are blueberries and watermelon. There is a bus that stops right at our local Giant supermarket.

Before I can go to the supermarket, however, a complete clean out of my refrigerator will have to be done. I get Meals on Wheels and eat them most of the time, but occasionally I don’t like what is offered, and on those dark cloudy days that I am depressed, it is ice cream dinner to the rescue. So I will admit that my refrigerator does get cluttered with some of their trays.

My final big project for the summer is to grab a friend, pay him or her a few bucks, and clean up my walk-in closet. I have a gazillion VHS tapes, DVDs, CDs, and cassettes. Every item will have to be carefully gone through to see if it makes the cut. If it doesn’t, out it goes. I need to be able to walk in my walk-in closet.

I must remember that even though I have set a target date of September 1st, I won’t beat myself over the head if I don’t get it done until October 1st. Let’s not forget that I will be away for 10 days in August for my yearly trek to Maine. I’m starting to feel better about myself and my apartment. I just have to tell myself that these changes will be done and the key is to do a little each day.

Tomorrow I’m going to be talking about an issue that took place here at Penn State in February. I was going to blog about it today, but after discussing it with Rebecca I was so upset about what happened that I need a day to cool down, so that I can calmly explain what happened and my feelings about it.

Until tomorrow, take care, have a great day, and happy reading.

Learning to cope with my clinical depression

Greetings, readers. It is a mostly sunny day here in Central Pennsylvania and that is helping my overall mood. I must admit though that over the weekend I was in a funk. I’m big on re-examining my life, wondering what changes I could have made so that things would have turned out better. I’ve got to stop doing this. I told Rebecca this morning I feel like I am not living, I’m simply existing.

Do I laugh when I am with people? Of course. I go out to my appointments, visit Traci, and do all the things I need to do during the day. In other words, I can function. The evening and night-time though are a different story. When it gets dark outside, so does my mood.

I was watching YouTube videos of a most sad topic and as I have done in the past, I kept clicking next video. I was doing research for a possible blog post on the 9/11 attacks and the subsequent conspiracy theories by watching a couple of movies and the footage from CNN from the day of the attack. By the time midnight rolled around, I knew I had to get to sleep, but I didn’t want to. I turned out all the lights and just laid there with my eyes open. I didn’t want to dream, I didn’t want to sleep, I just kept thinking about all those people in those towers whose lives were snuffed out for no good reason at all.

On Monday, I did lots of flight simulation, looking at the clear blue sky at 39,000 feet. After that, I finished off the first reading of Darren’s novel. In a few days I will start my fine-tooth comb reading of it, and then we will turn it over to Rebecca for one final check over. When that is done, Four’s a Crowd will be complete. Thumbs up.

I guess what I am really trying to say in this blog entry is that I need to begin to live, and not just exist. As my regular readers know, I love to go back and reminisce about when life was good. I’ve got news for you folks. Any day you wake up alive is a good day. If you don’t believe me, try waking up dead. I have a couple of ideas I am going to try out to help me, one of which is chakra energy work or yoga, and the other is inspirational books or audio tapes.

My kitty cat is nuzzling me right now, saying it’s time for dinner, so I think I will conclude this entry here, and let you know we will have another one for you tomorrow, most likely a top ten list.

So until then, take care, have a great day, and happy reading.

Still trying to figure out my life

Greetings, readers. I shall try not to bore you with my depression, and actually I’m not even sure it is depression. I am experiencing low energy levels and I am taking more naps than usual. I would consider my diet mediocre at best; more protein might help, as would less junk food. Still not having a job is weighing heavily on my mind. I was hoping to be gainfully employed last August. But that opportunity fell through. As we approach late fall and early winter, it seems all the jobs in town are taken.

It could be the fact that my medications are making me sleepy, or a case of mild depression, but I am now averaging two naps per day. Way too much sleep. Recently I just finished watching over 100 episodes of the new Hawaii Five-O, each episode about 45 minutes long, in a three-week period. Imagine if all those evenings were spent writing creatively. I might have 100 pages. But no, I was entertained, but nothing with my name on it came from it.

As I’ve asked myself before, do I still wish to be a writer? Yes. I do not wish to be a non-writer who wrote three books and a play. If that is all the Lord wanted me to do in the creative writing realm, I wish He would let me know. I’m not sure what else I would be passionate about. I wanted to be an airplane pilot as a child, but health issues put an end to that at age 16. I’m sure one of these days soon, I’ll find a job at one of the local stores. What I should do is get up at 6:00, plant my butt in a chair at 7:00, and write until 9:00. But no, I check Facebook, I check Twitter, I play Train Simulator, and 2014 FIFA World Cup Brazil soccer.

Sometimes when I am depressed I can actually imagine myself in a nursing home, sitting in a chair, watching TV or listening to music. When I used to visit my father at the local nursing home, I could tell how depressed he was. He tried to hide it, but he couldn’t. He was in his 70s when he went in. I fear because of my monetary situation and handicaps that I might have to go to assisted living much earlier.

On a brighter note, the Penn State football team won another game and they are well on their way to a New Year’s Day bowl game. Yay, Coach Franklin and team.

Next week we will be working on Wednesday and taking off Thursday for Thanksgiving. I will put up at least one blog entry and possibly two.

Until tomorrow, take care, have a wonderful day, and happy reading.

Stop the world, I want to get off, #2

Greetings, readers. I should be a happy man. I have a girlfriend who loves me, a roof over my head, adequate food, and good friends and family. So why do I feel so depressed? As I’ve said before, my therapist is going to have a lot to do tomorrow.

Without going into all the details, most of which are private, the weekend was not what I was expecting it to be. Situations arose which needed my attention and there was no getting around it. By the time Saturday night came along, I was so worn out that all I wanted to do on Sunday was sleep. And that is exactly what I did. Monday and yesterday, I desperately wanted to continue writing, but just couldn’t. And, of course, the more I couldn’t, the more depressed I started to feel. I have absolutely nothing on the agenda for early this evening, and I am going to write new pages come hell or high water. Tomorrow is chock-full-of-everything day, so the more I get written tonight the better off I’ll feel.

I began talking with Traci and other friends about the possibility of my medicine dosage being too strong to take in the morning. I’m fine for the first few hours, and then I’m just a zombie. Show me the way to the bed. I’m going to ask my neurologist what would be the best way to split my dosage to be in the morning and in the evening. Obviously there are two answers to that question. Just go ahead and do that, or just stagger the second dose little by little until I get it to the evening. My main concern is throwing my body off schedule by changing my dosage too quickly and having a seizure. That would not be good.

On the weather front, no pun intended, ha ha, this morning when I looked out the window, it was pouring down rain. So I feed Kitty cat, did my usual email/Facebook/ Twitter thing, and went back to sleep. Again, I had several hours to write and just didn’t. Is the end of my writing career near? I would not go so far as to say that. But I got a slap-in-the-face chuckle when I saw that my total royalties for 2015 from my Kindle version of my books was a whopping 70 cents. You don’t need to look at that twice, we’ll type it again for you. 70 cents. That certainly isn’t going to pay the rent, now is it?

Now something that will cheer me up a bit. My favorite sports season, baseball, begins with spring training in about a month. That means that warmer weather is about two months from now. Even though we haven’t had tons of snow, the gloomy cold weather always depresses me.

Finally, and this is a major step for me, if my depression does not get better by the end of this month, I am going to talk to my accountant about seeking a stronger method of dealing with it. I don’t exactly know what that might be, but I have a couple of things in mind. One being a short hospital stay for 2 or 3 days where I can get care and counseling as needed. Or perhaps something as simple as an increase of my anti-depression dose, or a different med all together. Something has got to give.

So please, throw good thoughts my way, and I’ll keep you up to date on what is going on around here.

Until Friday, enjoy your couple of days, take care and happy reading.

Feeling low as the first snowstorm approaches

Greetings, readers. As the title implies, this is not the promised top ten list. The last 72 hours have been filled with, not depression, but just extreme low energy. I tell myself that I’m going to do this or that and then I sit down in my chair and those plans go out the window. I don’t think I’m sick or depressed, but I’m sputtering.

If this continues through the weekend, I’m going to call my primary doctor and schedule an appointment. I’m not too worried about this, but to give you an example of what my body is going through, I overslept and was late for work. And I live at the “office.” I had to call Rebecca and change our meeting plan.

Now that I’ve been talking to Rebecca for a while and dictating, I’m starting to feel a little bit better. But my internal energy meter still seems low. I shall confess to you that the past week or so I have gotten out of my up at 5:15 and at Panera at 6 AM routine. Maybe my body is rebelling against that. I need to force myself to turn off TV, go to bed early, and get back to that routine. I do enjoy having my early mornings. But in the mood I am in right now, all I want to do it sleep.

Well, I shall fight though this day and get some good work done, and do my very best to have the top ten list either early next week or on Wednesday.

With the impending snowstorm, you might very well see a blog entry over the weekend to let you know how much snow central Pennsylvania received. The latest forecast I’ve seen is calling for 4-8 inches over an 18 hour period. Not the worst storm I’ve been in, but supplies will have to be purchased today. I just don’t see myself going anywhere tomorrow. That’s okay though, it’s a Saturday and I can sleep if I want to.

Speaking of the snowstorm that is about to clobber the northeast, this will be the first significant snow of the winter for us. There is a small part of me that is excited. I like the snow when it is fresh and white. Once it turns black from the cars driving through it, not so much.

Well, Rebecca and I are off to do our other writing plans for the day. Next week will again be a normal three-day work week with at least two blog posts.

Stay safe in the snowstorm, do take care, and happy reading.

Top ten list of things I like about myself, to stave off depression

Greetings, readers. Two nights ago, I was suffering from a terrible bout of acute depression. Last night was better and today I am my cheerful self. I am very happy to report this. I’ve decided that this top ten list will describe my positive qualities; I can think about them when I’m down.

#10. I’m a caring person. [Sometimes I go out on a limb and be what a friend used to call too nice. Can a human being actually care too much???]

#9. I try not to gossip. [Gossip leads to drama and there is enough drama in my apartment building. Because of this drama, I tend to stay in this apartment more than I should, but that’s okay.]

#8. I am a very young at heart 49-year-old. [Most of the time I still feel like a big kid.]

#7. I am a hopelessly old-fashioned romantic. [This one is a double-edged sword. When I think about how romantic I can be, I remember that at this moment I don’t have a girl-friend. Oops.]

#6. I try to be as independent as I can. [However, I’m not afraid to ask for help when I need it. I think some people would be.]

#5. When I do drive the Zipcars, I am a very safe driver. [Driving gives me back some control and independence that I’ve lost in recent years.]

#4. I am usually optimistic and have a never say die attitude. [When Dave and I would be playing sports when we were kids, he would tell me how much he admired the fact that I just never gave up. When you are losing 42 to nothing, most people would.]

#3. I am keeping my apartment clean to a better degree. [My bedroom is three-quarters finished and surprisingly the worse area is now the living room, which unfortunately doubles as our office.]

#2. As instilled in me by my parents, I am polite to my elders. [No matter what happens in the apartment building where lots of elderly people live, I will not lose my temper with my elders in their presence. That is just not how I was raised.]

#1. Even though I don’t have any of my own, I am excellent with children. [When I joined David’s family many years ago as Uncle Joey, all the nieces and nephews came to love me as though I was truly one of the family. Now that they have children of their own, it’s happening all over again. I am truly blessed.]

{Special from Rebecca. Joe is a very good friend. He is loyal, thoughtful, and accepting. If you are one of his friends, you are a lucky person indeed. When we were in high school I was a mess, and projected a vibe of leave me alone. One day Joe sat down next to me and started talking, as if I was open and approachable. So I responded as if I was. And then a friendship began. I am blessed to have him in my life.}

Well, there they are. I hope that some people can look at this, and if not get inspired, at least get a smile out of it. Until next week, have a good weekend, happy first day of spring, and happy reading.

Self hypnosis, anybody?

Greetings, readers. I’ve been very busy on YouTube the last couple of days, checking out different people’s self-hypnosis videos. I like what I see. Obviously, I’m not trying to make myself act like a chicken. I’m trying to use it for relaxation, memory enhancement, and relief of closed chakras. A year or so ago, my massage therapist had to retire and by now my chakras are as closed as they are going to get. It makes me feel lethargic, cranky, and depressed. When they open, I feel much more energetic, happier, and I’ll bet you my work productivity will greatly increase.

I even found a video that supposedly can turn you into a magnet for the opposite gender. This one I will have to watch and stay awake for to believe. There might be something to it, so as with most things, I will view it with an open mind.

In the last two or three weeks, my state of mind has been either depression or something I can not put a label to. I seem happy enough, but I just don’t have the energy to do anything. Not only is my writing suffering but my early to bed early to rise routine has shifted about an hour later each way. That is partly because the weather is so frigid here in Pennsylvania that I just don’t feel like going out to Panera at 7 in the morning. I do miss the usual morning crowd. I always enjoy greeting them as I would the folks at Bear Spring Camps.

I think this afternoon, after work hours, I’ll spend some time seeing what videos various YouTube channels have to offer. I’m a little bit leery of it because I’ve never hypnotized myself before. So readers, keep your fingers crossed. If you don’t hear from me on Friday, you will know I have turned myself into Keekee’s cat.

On a side note, our local library here in State College, Schlow Centre Region Library, had major damage due to the severe cold. Flooding was the result of one sprinkler pipe bursting, leading to several hundred thousand dollars in destroyed books, clean up of water damage and mold prevention. Schlow will be closed until at least this Sunday. I don’t want to sound selfish, but my books were in the section that got it the worst. We just found out via their website that two of my three books were destroyed. I have other copies here to give them if they want; no big deal.

Until Friday, take care, please be careful, happy reading, and stay warm; a major cold front is dropping down from Canada.

Ambient nature sounds have come to my rescue

Greetings, readers. Thanks again to YouTube. Last night and this morning I discovered a plethora of wonderfully soothing videos to watch. My favorite is a four-hour video of a rain storm, complete with thunder. Some of my favorites came from two people whose YouTube handles are TexasHighDef and YogaDuke. As I was going through all the choices, I came upon someone with the YouTube handle 8 Hours Of, who makes videos, most eight hours in length, of such sounds as airport background noise and microwave sounds. I actually laughed out loud as I listened to about two minutes of his eight-hour video of cat purring. I turned that one off quickly because Keekee ran out into the living room thinking I had brought home a new cat. You should have seen the look on her face.

I typed in the search words ambient with Star Trek and came up with some doozies. I can now enjoy twelve full hours of engine noise from the U.S.S. Enterprise D, from Star Trek: Next Generation. Also available are crew quarters, Ten-Forward, and the bridge from both Next Generation and the original series. Very cool.

Back to nature. Before Rebecca arrived, I had on the rainstorm video. It did precisely what it said it would do; I began to get sleepy and had to turn it off. It and videos like it will be wonderful for nap time.

Over the weekend, I’m planning to sit down and really search this category, and compile myself a wide variety of soothing background noise videos. I almost feel like I have a Star Trek holodeck. Isn’t technology wonderful? I would be here for six hours if I tried to list everyone whose videos I’ve taken a look at. So one big generic thanks goes out to everybody.

As a person who struggles with stress and depression I have found myself a wonderful way to alleviate the daily ailments that can get to me. I’m not going to get rid of my therapist or my anti-depression medicine just yet. But so far YouTube is free; that’s the ticket.

Lastly, Rebecca told me that we might have snow tomorrow for gaming day. That may throw a monkey wrench in the plans. After this blog post gets put up, I plan to check the weather on my computer to see exactly what’s coming. If the word ice is mentioned, all plans will be shelved.

I bid you a good weekend, be safe, take care, and happy reading.

Blog entry #300!

Greetings, readers. It has been almost a year since my 200th blog post. On these milestones, I usually share about how the blog is doing, but I recently wrote about the most popular entries in a different post. After much thought, I’ve decided to share with my readers how this past year has gone for me from camp last August to camp this August. I did plenty of writing for the blog and that work is shaping up wonderfully. Other writing projects, however, not so much. This was the worst year I’ve suffered through in a long time when it came to writing a book. No one is to blame, it just happened that way. When I returned home from camp last August, Rebecca and I agreed that I should broaden my horizons and write a mystery novel or some other bigger work. At the time I was all for that; it never happened. Fiction is not my forte yet.

Also last fall, I was battling through depression and really not feeling all that great about myself. Recently I’ve taken appropriate steps, i.e. finding a psychologist and I’ve made strides toward having a much better mental outlook.

Yes, this old worry wort continued to get grey hair this past year, sulking over many things, but I recently have come to understand that I should only worry about things I can change, not about what I can’t. After much reflection, I have had quite a wonderful life, including a fabulous childhood. Sometimes I think kids don’t know exactly what they have at the time. I can remember not liking junior high or high school, and now wish that I can go back to those carefree days. One thing’s for sure, at least in my opinion, music and TV shows were more to my liking then.

This past year I did all the things that I told myself I would do while I was at camp; including watched the Thanksgiving parade, took my traditional Christmas lights ride, watched the Christmas Yule Log with lovely Christmas music, watched the New Year’s Day bowl games, continued to perform my shows, visited Godmother while she was still alive, as I tried to keep up with my writing.

I can’t believe that it’s this late in the summer already and it’s time to go to camp once again. Even though it is only for one week a year, I really do live for it. Recently I told myself that perhaps this will be my final year there. Time will tell, but the biggest factor will be my monetary situation. Money permitting, I will probably always do something every August.

To close this 300th entry, I would like to thank each and every one of my readers for your loyalty, and both Rebecca and I hope that you have enjoyed the entries since our 200th post. So far this is the only entry that is going to be saved to a draft until it is time to be published. I wanted to be sure to do this before I went away to camp. Again, many thanks, and look forward to another 100 blog entries and more.

While I am away at camp, Rebecca will be keeping up the blog. She will post at least two entries.  Have a great day, take care, and happy reading.