Tag Archives: self esteem

You can’t go home again

Greetings, readers. I’m in one of my nostalgic moods today and I’ve been thinking of my parents and the house I grew up in. I still remember every inch of the old place. If I close my eyes, I can walk through every room, nook and pantry. I’ve been in the house since it was sold – I know the new owners – and they completely redid the inside. Why not, it’s their home now. It looked so different, though.

I am reminiscing about my childhood and all the wonderful times we had at home. Between holiday gatherings and the normal school year goings on, there always seemed to be something happening. One weekend it might be a game of Wiffle ball in the circle – what my neighborhood called the area outside my house, another weekend it might be watching a Pittsburgh Steelers playoff game with my friends.

I’ve often wanted to go back to those days, but it is impossible. Life marches forwards, not backwards. One of my issues is that I have always wanted to be different; either better than I was or, worse, somebody else. That stems from my poor self-esteem. What to do?

Other people have traits I wish were mine. Because I tend to forget things, I desire to be more like my mom. She was the most organized, clear-headed person I ever knew. Mom always had every base covered. Sometimes I wanted to have Pop’s work ethic. Heck, I would have twenty books written if I did. Then there is my best friend, Dave. He is the king of planning. I’ve always admired how he’d tell me every step of what needed done, and with such encouragement. You see where I’m going with this? I want to be everybody but… me!

I’ve learned recently from friends, family and inspirational quotes that all I need to do is be the best me I can be. I can do that. 🙂 Let’s all do that.

Until next week, have a great weekend, take care and happy reading.

Top ten list of my most annoying habits

Greetings, readers. After taking several days to think about a good top ten list topic, I have come up with this one. There are many annoying things that I do, and they must be bad, because I realize them myself. I thought it would be a good exercise to write them out, so that not only you my readers can see them, but I could take a look at them myself and work on my faults. So here we go.

#10. Eternal pessimism. [If there is a dark cloud around the silver lining, I’ll find it. I think I get this trait from my father. Mom was the exact opposite.]

#9. My annoying verbal tics. [I’ve had many of them over the years. The latest is yes, yes, yes, or right, right, right. I’ve been trying to break myself of this one of late but so far no luck.]

#8. My slight anger issue. [It takes a lot to get me truly angry, but once I am, I feel a degree of rage that frightens even me. I have to sit down and work on calming myself to get rid of those feelings. It’s not a pleasant 15 or 20 minutes.]

#7, My sometimes erratic driving skills. [Many people have told me what a wonderful driver I am and most of the time I agree with them. However, there have been times that I’ve just done some dumb things. They have led to speeding tickets and dented fenders. The way I was taught to drive by my mom, I should know better. But, hey, what can I say, I’m a guy. Sometimes we do reckless things.]

#6. Spouting my mouth off. [Sometimes when I’m extremely upset, I’ll say the first thing that comes to my mind to someone. Such as, so-and-so politician is an idiot, or I hope that guy gets hit by a truck. Do I mean these statements? Of course not. Perhaps I need an anger management class.]

#5. Living space neatness issue. [Although I have made strides in important areas of the apartment, there is still much to do. Mainly the bedroom and the walk-in closet. Very soon, i.e. the next inspection time, I see myself biting the bullet and literally throwing things away to get them out of here. That will be a sad day for me.]

#4. Enjoying too much leisure time. [I find myself playing video games, watching TV or movies, or listening to music way too much. although I do have this evening blocked off for creative writing, I should literally unplug all fun things, sit my butt down in a chair, and write my stories. I am a writer. A writer writes.]

#3. Too indecisive. [Probably brought on by my low self-esteem, I jump the gun and ask for help or opinions too quickly. Most of the time I already know what I want to do, but there is a need to touch base and get that second or third opinion.]

#2. Impulsive spending. [Although I’m not as bad as some people, when I have money I tend to stock up on things, buy a few niceties, and then the last few weeks of the month I am again scrimping, saving, and worrying.]

#1. Cat litter box issue. [Even though I do take care of it, I should do it much more often. To clean it out hurts my back when I bend over. I’ve tried sitting on the toilet seat with the bag in front of me, but I just dump it on the floor because of my shaky hands. I must admit, if I scooped it out every day, there wouldn’t be a problem. But I am a lazy ass, so I don’t. Today I am going to surprise kitty cat Keekee, buy that $10 box of cat litter, drag it home, and use it. My little girl deserves a clean bathroom.]

There you have it. I took a hard look at myself, and yes there are things I don’t like. I have many things to work on. Please do chime in with your list if you wish to or leave another kind of comment here or on Facebook.

Until Friday, take care, have a great couple of days, and happy reading.

Top ten things I like about myself

Greetings, readers. I’ve been thinking a lot about myself recently. With the help of my therapist, Dr. Jo Ann, I’ve been working on my self-esteem. I am supposed to concentrate on the positive and weed out the negative. Obviously, no one is perfect, we all have our faults, but here is a top ten list of things I like about myself, in no particular order.

#10. My sense of humor. [I think I got that from my mother, and it was developed with my best friend David Trost. In the old days, Dave and I would tell stories and laugh for hours.]

#9. My outlook on life. [Even after getting divorced and everything that entailed, I still try to look at life with optimism. It does me no good to be negative and sad.]

#8. My love of animals. [Right now I have Keekee my kitty who loves me, and I, of course, love her. She’s my little girl. When I was younger, the family and I had dogs, which were adorable. Somehow, animals always get excited and happy when they are around me.]

#7. My general appearance. [Although I have cerebral palsy and am not Mr. Muscles, I do the best I can every day with my appearance. I can do laundry with the occasional mishap, such as bleaching a sweatshirt. I no longer wish to have a beard but it seems that every time I shave, my skin breaks out and I have to let the beard grow back. It’s much to gray.]

#6. Keeping my apartment clean. [Keeping my apartment cleaner than it has been is a big step in the right direction for me. It boosts my self-esteem to have a cleaner place.]

#5. My athleticism early in life. [When I was a child and teenager, Dave and I would spend hours almost every day playing Wiffle ball, Nerf football games, or Frisbee. I did keep active. Now, with bad knees, sometimes my morning walk to Panera is all I can muster, and the games I play are on the PS3.]

#4. My ability and love of driving a car. [My mom taught me how to drive and would not let me drive solo until she was certain that I would buckle up every time, always use my turn signals, and obey the speed limit. I love to drive but right not I am car-less.]

#3. My love of music and singing. [I’ve always loved music as far back as I can remember. And my singing talent has improved greatly with practice. I perform shows every few months for the folks in my apartment building, and as the old adage says, practice makes perfect.]

#2. My ability to write. [Under my belt are three self-published books and a play. Although I am not earning enough money from them to pay the rent, it is one of my passions. I like to be creative. I admit, writer’s block does affect me more than it should, but I think for a light reader, I’m doing pretty well. The Bear Spring Camps 3 book is under way. I hope to have it produced by next summer.]

#1. My family and friends. [I have been blessed with fantastic parents, a Godmother and her family, very supportive local friends, of whom Rebecca and Darren are two, and the family that David married into all those years ago, who adopted me as one of their own. When little children run into the Bear Spring Camps dining room and give me a bear hug all is right in the world. Thumbs up for family.]

That was a fun exercise for me, and perhaps later down the line I’ll have a top ten list of things I want to improve about myself. Yes that will be negative, but it might force me to take action and correct those things. Please feel free to leave your list in the comments or comment about my list.

As always, have a wonderful day, take care and happy reading.

The search for my identity

Greetings, readers. As far back as I can remember, I would wonder what it would be like to be somebody else. Many possibilities crossed my mind. One day I wanted to be my father. Another time it would be my friend, Dave, who always had all the answers and was super athletic. Heck, I even wondered what it would be like to be a female version of myself. Perhaps this is normal. Perhaps it isn’t. I found that when I was with other people, I knew my role in the group and I knew better who I was. I think this stems from low self-esteem.

I’ve spoken to my psychologist. Apparently I must work on liking myself more. That’s the key, I guess. I think that’s also why I do not have a girlfriend currently. If you don’t like or love yourself, how can you expect others to like or love you?

I’ve made strides with a lot of my personal demons. My apartment is cleaner, trash goes out and dishes get done. The biggest successes I’ve had are a big improvement on my hoarding issue and being able to get onto a sleep schedule which is much healthier for me.

Now, an embarrassing tidbit. When I was nine or so, I carried a brown folder to school. It contained all my homework and such. A joke I made, which didn’t go down very well, was that I was Jim Rockford and my folder was the Rockford files. Luckily only a small group of people got wind of that one. I look back now and think oh my God, how dumb was that?

With help now, I shall continue working on my strengths and kick my weakness in the butt. Time will tell if I truly find myself and become comfortable with the man that I have become.

Until Friday, take care, enjoy your day and happy reading.