Tag Archives: life reflection

The bowstring is wearing thin

Greetings, readers. Alexander Pope once said, “To err is human, to forgive, divine.” Oh, how true that statement is. And I ought to know, for I have erred quite a bit in my lifetime. From my failure to develop strong study habits, to my poor choices of girlfriends, from bad business decisions, and bad personal decisions, it seems as though my life so far has been a comedy of errors. There’s only one problem, life is not a comedy.

I have been trying very hard to forgive all my errors and, so far, with little success. I know, I know, we can be our own worst critic. However, on the 13th of this month, I will turn 53 years old and I have very little to show for it. There I go again, sounding like a stuck record. My bellyaching began with the blog entry, ‘Life doesn’t have a reset button’ and went downhill from there. Let’s review some of my minor failures.

I never learned to cook. So, I either have to microwave the simplest of concoctions, or go out to eat my meals. I never learned the art of being a good boyfriend … whatever that art is. I am zero for seven. What a stellar batting average. I wrecked my vehicle trying to play Mr. Nice Guy, when everybody told me not to. Now I have no car. Gee, the bowstring on my violin is fraying.

Okay, fair is fair. Let’s review some of my accomplishments. This should prove interesting. I have authored three small books and one play. I can care for myself reasonably well and stay within a reasonable resemblance of the budget. I have held down two part-time jobs in my adult life, the second not quite over. I have kept in touch with many friends and family, and have had two pets while being on my own. Let’s sum up. Well I’ll be damned. Although I did not list every good and bad point, the score actually came out to be five to four in favor of the accomplishments. Did I do that subconsciously, to bolster my own ego? Just like the owl in the Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop commercial … One may never know.

Looking back upon my blog entries, I just saw that the blog topic I was going to write about next Wednesday has already been done, and done well at that. So, I shall devise a brand-new topic for next Wednesday. I hope all of you had a splendid Fourth of July. I trust it was safe and, besides the fireworks, event free.

Until next week, I bid you all a great weekend, do take care and as always, happy reading.

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My health, what is the worst that can happen? My heart could go splat

Greetings, readers. An incident happened yesterday afternoon which has seriously made me reconsider what is going on in my life right now. I am now making it publicly known that I am having some minor heart issues. At least I hope they are minor. I was sent home early yesterday from my fast food job because my irregular heartbeat would not calm itself. I am glad I am getting it checked tomorrow.

While I am at the doctor’s Thursday afternoon, Rebecca will be putting up the blog from home. I am taking off tomorrow completely to rest before my stress test. Let me explain the current phenomena. The heart goes wrong when I’m stressed, when I’m tired, or quite often after I sit down from an activity. The fluttering sensation lasts about 5 to 15 seconds and then goes away. If anybody can give me information about what this might be, please leave a comment in the comment section or catch me on my Facebook page. Any info would be most helpful.

I know that pessimism is a bad trait but last evening I could not help but think of all the bad things that could go wrong in the coming weeks. What is the doctor going to say? What is the stress test going to show? I’m so paranoid, I’m going to pack an overnight bag in case the doctor sends me right to the hospital. For those of you who want a chuckle, yes, I was a boy scout for one day and remember their motto is always be prepared.

I also began to do an overview of my life last evening, starting from an early age and going right on up through the years. I had a happy childhood, and high school was fine, then things started to go wrong. Because of my disability that no one in my family wanted to address, myself included, I did not graduate from Penn State University. I failed. Later on I got married. That didn’t work either. I failed. My writing career is not that much to speak of, less the blog and a few small completed works. I won’t call that a failure, but I’m not paying the rent with my royalties. I’m sure you can see the pattern here.

I also started to think about my time at Bear Spring Camps. Oh, the joyous childhood memories I have with Mr. Greco, Dave, and everyone who has camped there over the years. I consider them all my family. With this season’s camp week approaching in a few months, last night I asked myself just how many more years do I think I’ll be able to go? As a naïve youngster, I thought I would go until the day I died. Well, this camp season might be it for me. Perhaps not. But I don’t see myself going for another 25 years. Either health or lack of money will prevent that.

Yes, readers, times change, people’s health deteriorates, and the carefree happiness of youth turns into the hard reality of adulthood. I will have some of the test results by the end of tomorrow. With all the information in, I will be able to make a plan about staying at my job or having to give it up to take care of my health issue. I hope not, I actually love my job.

Well, this macabre entry has gone on long enough. I’ll close on a cheerful note. Views of my gaming channel videos have improved slightly. Rebecca told me this morning that I need to add my full name to the tags, as it will make it easier for people to find said videos in a YouTube search of just my name. Thank you very much to Rebecca.

Rebecca will chime in tomorrow and we’ll both be back as usual next Wednesday. Until then, take care, have a great few days, and happy reading.

I am sick and tired of life

Greetings, readers. I have felt very strange over the last couple of months and until recently I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what was bothering me. Well, the picture is becoming a little bit clearer now that the fog has lifted, and I don’t like what I see.

My desire to write is at its highest point in two years. When I say to write, I obviously mean work other than the blog. My problem now is that I have no time or energy from working at the fast food job to do said writing. I am 52 years old and I feel like my life is a waste.

On the positive side of the job,  I am an extremely outgoing person at my cash register, and my regulars love me. I do get a lot of enjoyment and self-esteem from this work. I feel, however, that I must give serious contemplation to either quitting or, at the very least, taking a few months off.

This winter has been brutally cold and walking to and from busses to go to work has already become a hated chore.  I get up at 4:00 in the morning to check Facebook, have some coffee, and listen to music before I have to get ready to go. I blink twice, and it’s 8:10. There goes that morning. I come home from work, dreadfully tired, with feet aching, I put a little food in me, watch an episode or two of something, and usually have lights out by 9:30.

On my three days off from my fast food job, I write with Rebecca for roughly three hours, and I must also do all the chores that need to get done and I had no other time to do, such as appointments, laundry, shopping, etc. When in the hell do I have time to sit down and write? Some might say at 4:00 in the morning. Ah, no, my functioning brain is barely active at that time. In the evening? I’ve actually caught myself falling asleep during my TV shows. Again, the brain is not in creative mode. You can see why I’m depressed.

Do my therapy sessions help? Yes they do, for a short time, but then I begin to look at my life in general and I come to the conclusion that I have wasted most of it. Three quarters gone and only a quarter to go. I have three books to my name, which if you put all three together, don’t equal the pages of Darren’s novel adapted from my play. I would have to say, Dear Readers, that my biggest accomplishment has been this blog, and that is primarily thanks to the help of Rebecca’s typing and editing skills.

Now, don’t worry folks, even though this entry is full of red flags, I am a fighter and a survivor and will do whatever I need to do to get this situation under control. Tomorrow, I’ve cleared the docket to read and edit Four’s a Crowd, either in the morning or, if I have Rebecca come in, after she leaves. I always try to leave each entry on a bright note, and here it is. I ordered speech recognition software for the computer. Once it comes in and I master that, I won’t have to type anymore. That could solve many problems quickly. Cross thy fingers.

Until next time, stay warm, have a great day, have a cup of coffee or hot cocoa for me, and happy reading.

We must be true to who we are

Greetings, readers. I have always been an overly outgoing person. This opens me up to one potential problem. When I am walking down the street, or having my morning coffee at Panera cafe, and say good morning to someone, every once in a while I’ll get a look that just screams, Oh, look at the mentally challenged person. I’ve always been self-conscience of this. When I was in eighth grade, I befriended a person who was mildly mentally challenged, and as where I saw the opportunity to make someone happy, others jumped to the conclusion that I had the same challenges. My junior high social life never recovered.

The way I conduct myself is what I call the Bear Spring Camper way. For those of you not familiar with my books, let me briefly explain what I mean by that. At camp, everybody knows everybody else. Greetings, smiles, hugs, and laughter are commonplace. Plans of the day’s activities are openly shared and fun stories abound. I’ve come to realize it might not be the smartest idea to use that approach with people in my town here in Pennsylvania. Many times I’ve told myself just sit down, drink your coffee and shut up. But before I know it, I’m saying hello to one of the nice folks who works at Panera. The bottom line is I just have to be me, and overly nice guy is who I am.

For those of you who are reading this and wondering if I am about to turn into someone who is unfriendly, the answer is no. One time I had a discussion with a friend of mine about this topic and she said she found it refreshing that I could open myself up to ridicule. She also agreed that people must be who they really are deep down inside. I’m a firm believer that the Lord made me just the way He wanted me to be; outgoing, compassionate, trusting to a fault, and lovable. I will always be in Bear Spring Camper mode and do so proudly.

On a quick side topic, Rebecca and I are back at it this week, now that all doctor’s appointments are behind us, and there will be another blog entry up on Friday. Until then, take care, dodge those rain drops, have a good day, and happy reading.