Greetings, readers. Over the last few days, I have experienced something which I must admit is worrying me. I was going to call this blog stop the world, I want to get off, but realized we already have two entries by that title. Here is what is going on.
I’m depressed and I shouldn’t be. I have everything I need, minus a car. My financial situation, though not ideal, is doable. I have plenty of free time, and good friends in the building who care about me. I also have a therapist who I see once a week. Couple that with me being on anti-depressants and I should be as happy as a clam and bouncing off the walls. I am not.
I feel like time is slipping away from me. I’ll be 51 years old in a little over a month, and the realization has hit me that more years are behind me than are in front. The three books that I have written weren’t big sellers at all and new material is once again stuck behind a brick wall. I vividly remember when I was in my 20s sitting down and cranking out 10 pages a day sometimes. I fear the well has dried up. If my seizure problems have truly affected my creativity, I’m in trouble.
Recently, I’ve found things I like to watch on YouTube and they consist of full flight real-life airplane videos. You read correctly. A man gets on an airplane, straps the camera to the armrest of his seat, aims it out the window towards the wing of the plane, and you get to experience the entire flight gate to gate. It is actually quite beneficial as background sleeping noise. The other night I watched one of his longer videos, a nine and a half hour journey from Helsinki, Finland to Tokyo, Japan, via Russia. It was an overnight flight, which afforded viewers a new perspective. Once the airplane was airborne, he aimed the camera towards the ceiling and you got to experience the flight attendants walking by, serving drinks and dinner. Ultra realistic. I also continue to watch and listen to nature sounds and other white noise.
I keep thinking of my parents and my old home. I ask myself what they might be doing at this time of the day or evening. Though reminiscing is fun, I’ve been doing a lot more looking backwards than forwards. I feel like I am going into a shell, not wanting to experience life anymore. I see my psychologist tomorrow and this blog entry will be the first thing we discuss.
Lastly, I’ve begun to make short YouTube videos, a vlog if you will, but no format or schedule has been set up. I enjoy making those videos, but fear not, I will continue writing this blog.
Rebecca and I may put a blog up tomorrow, because I have a doctor’s appointment on Friday during work hours. So until then, enjoy your day, take care, and happy reading.